If our sense of happiness and peace is dependent upon getting everything in our life ‘lined up’ just the way we want it, we’re screwed – that’s a Sanskrit term.

Seeing this – whatever ‘this’ is – isn’t about finding a way to never experience anything uncomfortable or painful. It is about seeing that the discomfort or pain forms in and is composed of a sea of spacious awareness – just like a stream or a whirlpool is formed in and of the water that composes it. Just that enables us to sit squarely in the middle of it until we see clearly that no one is sitting in the middle of anything.

We only know what we are doing after-the-fact. The ‘decision’ to do whatever it is we’re doing is ‘made’, that is, comes to us fully-formed. Then, we say ‘I decided.’ Thought is always after-the-fact. What we think of as our ‘life’ is only known in retrospect. Now is completely unknown.

Awareness, Cognizing Emptiness, Knowing, Seeing, Space, Presence, It – whatever name we use – is an absolutely loving mother. She opens her arms and completely allows all that arises – welcomes it, in fact. We can rest in her arms and follow her example of loving allowance or we can fight. In the end, it doesn’t really matter because we’ve never really left ‘mom’ anyway. But, in the meantime, one way makes for suffering and the other ease and grace. 

Any instruction other than to leave everything alone, to relax, to just rest as you are, is dangerous. It is dangerous because it points us back into the shadow realm of thought, technique, manipulation, alteration, effort, and theory.

The good news is that the very shining awareness that we are is the source and substance of thought and shadow, too. No matter what, we cannot be separated from Isness – we can only ‘think’ we have been separated. 

Isness is you-ing you. What a relief! There is nothing to do but rest as we are.

All of your suffering is your fault. All of my suffering is my fault. It isn’t our mother’s fault or the fault of our teacher or boss or spouse or partner or dog or genes or the president or the economy or the weather. 

Our suffering has nothing to do with our income, our education, our weight, our life management skills, our time management skills, our bald spot, our less-than-stellar athletic abilities, our tendency to sweat too much, our questionable choice of friends, or…or…or…

You get the idea.

As long as I believe the THOUGHT that MY suffering comes from or because of YOU (or IT or THEM), then I have reinforced This Conceptual World. Which conceptual world? The one that is telling you at this very moment whether this essay (or the guy writing it) is “right on target” or “he must be full of sh#@!” It is the BELIEF in the THOUGHT (pretty much any thought referring to a “me,” by the way) that creates this tense little knot of worry, uncertainty, and insecurity commonly referred to as “me.”

Anytime we complain about anything – our coffee, the heat, the car, the kids – it is US creating our suffering in that moment. It is this believed THOUGHT/IDEA of “I” – and all of the requirements it has of life attached to it – that creates psychological pain.

Take the blame. EXPERIENCE the discomfort in the body without attempting to THINK your way out of it. Remember, it was thinking that created it. Don’t try to think your way out of anything – especially thinking!

Be quiet. 

Ask, “what experiences this now?” If an answer comes to mind, it’s wrong. Whatever you think, whatever answer comes, throw it away. Keep coming back to the question, “what experiences this now?” Devour the question and let the question devour you.

Then, blame disappears. Fault disappears. Suffering disappears. You disappear…and Life appears, just as it is – blame, fault, and suffering included.  And, that turns out to be more than enough. Weird, huh?

Awareness cannot be taught. 

Awareness cannot be learned. 

Awareness cannot be investigated.

Awareness cannot be sold.

Awareness cannot be marketed.

Awareness cannot be spun.

Awareness cannot be caught.

Awareness cannot be found or lost.

Awareness cannot be created.

Awareness cannot be conceptualized. 

Awareness cannot be analyzed. 

Awareness cannot be deconstructed. 

Awareness cannot be seen, heard, touched, tasted, or smelled.

Awareness cannot be known.

Awareness cannot be burned.

Awareness cannot be wet.

Awareness cannot be cut.

Awareness cannot be wounded.

Awareness cannot be lost.

Awareness cannot be increased or decreased.

Awareness cannot be practiced.

Awareness cannot bring you peace.

Awareness cannot bring you ease.

Awareness cannot increase your bank balance.

Awareness cannot offer anything at all other than your dissolution…

making room for the hum of the refrigerator; the rumble of the UPS truck; the smell of smoke; the feeling of a tight neck; the light’s reflection on the salt shaker; gas pains; a wrinkled paper napkin; the thought of the dog and cancer; the click of the cat’s claws on the linoleum floor; the lime-green buds on the tree; the cardinal on the black iron feeder. 

Disappointment is a good beginning – it gives Life a tiny crack through which to enter.

M: Hi! My name is Michele; I am so happy you have started a blog and shared your insights. I have been reading your posts for a couple of months, following the link from Annette’s site.

V: Annette was a HUGE help to me.

M: I decided to put myself at the keyboard this morning to write you after ending up on your blog again, and reading your profile, (with the complicity of a cold that keeps me home). I found a warmth in your message so disarming that I felt I wanted to come in contact with you.

V: I’m glad you did.

M: To briefly introduce myself, I am 28 and live in Sweden. My biography includes 8 years of seeking (Nisargadatta, Watts, U.G., R. Guenon, Annette, Hartong, Jeff Foster, DH Harding and others I forgot in the years), depression, and an underground feeling of dissatisfaction and not being able to find “my place in the world”.

V: This sounds very familiar! Perhaps we were separated at birth!?

M: I wanted to bring up some issues about the spiritual search I find myself in. For example, I have a difficulty in understanding what I have often heard teachers say: that the presence of awareness is unchanged by the particular states that occur, or that nothing needs to change. When I deal with afflictive states, vicious circles, defensiveness, etc., the more I try to notice this awareness the more I feel it’s just another ego activity.

V: The “presence of awareness” or the “awareness of presence” or “presence” or “awareness” all are imperfect attempts at describing THAT which KNOWS/SEES everything that you wrote including afflictive states, vicious circles, defensiveness, and the thought story “this is just another ego activity.”

Right now, at this very moment as you read this, isn’t awareness present? Really look. Awareness is immediately and constantly present. There has NEVER been a moment during which awareness was not present in, as, and through this character “Michele.”

Awareness/Seeing/Knowing is the natural state (not really a “state” but you get what I mean). By simply resting, leaving absolutely everything alone, letting everything be as it is, we rest in and as Awareness. There really is no choice to do or be otherwise although I know there seems to be for a while.

Nonetheless, don’t bother with that question of choice or no-choice. Just rest as awareness – let everything be as it is just for this instant.

M: I also suffer of chronic shyness and it looks like this entire spiritual search is just a way of topping this up with a lot of adornments that doesn’t change the substance of things.

V: Chronic shyness is a thought story, right? What is shyness? Isn’t it a collection of thinking that says something like “maybe they won’t like me, maybe they will, maybe I’ll look foolish, maybe my feet are too big,” and on and on along with particular sensations? More to the point, we believe the thought story and mix it with the thought story “me.”

In order to say “I’m chronically shy,” there has to be something there that is AWARE of or KNOWS the thoughts and sensations labeled “chronic shyness,” doesn’t there? That AWARENESS, which KNOWS the thought story, is what “you” are! It is that simple! You (Awareness) have simply mistaken yourself for a description – “you” are what is aware of all description! And, truly, there is no description without Awareness – they are one and the same – there is only a seeming separation.

For now, just keep resting as the awareness that knows/sees absolutely everything occurring, whether thought or sensation. Relax it all a thousand times a day.

M: On the other hand it seems like living in peace, and accepting oneself are possible things and many reached the “goal”.

V: Of course it is possible, but it is a myth to believe that stories of shyness or anger or sadness – or any other story – will no longer coalesce. It is just that as it is seen that these stories have no existence independent from Awareness, there is less and less identification with any of them and a greater experience of spaciousness. It is true always, but you will know it as you continue to practice leaving everything alone and resting as that which is aware of it all.

Helma: I’d like everything to be totally clear. No residues in believing things that aren’t true. No more lies to be believed in. It’s like I won’t rest before everything is seen for what it is.

V: Might I suggest that belief is completely unnecessary? Forget belief completely. This is a completely existential understanding – there is absolutely nothing you need to “accept” or “believe.” Look to your own direct experience, moment to moment.

Helma: Secondly: to be totally present and not go into the thoughts of past and future is much more relaxing.

V: Absolutely!

Helma: No things to deal with. But it feels like I am not allowed to let go of thoughts. There seem to be things to be dealt with first. Whe I speak with friends we talk about things we have learnt from life. It is almost as if we have to learn things, e.g. in my case, to be more assertive, to not be a perfectionist, etc.

V: There is no “have to.” Notice that in resting as awareness, simply and naturally in a completely uncontrived fashion, learning happens, responses happen in conversation with friends, etc. Just relax as awareness (it’s what you already are anyway!) and you’ll find that assertiveness and ease will arise as needed.

Stay with the simplicity of Awareness, as often as you remember, and what needs to be addressed will be clear and it will be handled from the wisdom and spaciousness of Awareness – the real “you.”

Helma: There’s much tension in my body and it feels like I have to learn things so that the tension will fall away. There’s the idea that when I am stronger as a person, not so insecure or when I have brought some changes to my life, my body won’t be suffering from the stress it is in now.

V: That is quite a story 🙂 Isn’t awareness present for all of those thoughts, too? Stay with the awareness and leave everything else alone.

Helma: To let go of thoughts seems like I am not helping solve those issues, so they will remain. Although I realize it is the other way round. But still… it won’t let me go.

V: There is no “it” and there is no “you” – see right now that these are both ideas taking shape in present awareness, just like turbulence takes shape in a river. The turbulence isn’t separate from the river – it has no independent existence apart from the river, and it disappears back “into” the river – its source. The turbulence in the river is not an issue to be solved for the river, is it? And yet, by simply leaving it alone, the turbulence is completely “solved.”

Helma: Although I don’t like it, I feel like I have to investigate where the stress comes from etc. and have to put time into it. Much more pleasant it would be to not have to worry or think about the personality stuff and to just be…enjoy being, being empty.

V: Yes. And the only thing stopping you is your belief in your own story that something must be done about it. Relax. Just rest as this vast openness that “you” already are. Everything is already OK.

Sometimes, people ask what Awareness is. Hmmm. How do we describe what is essentially indescribable? How do we describe the eye to the eye? How do we describe water to the fish? The ocean to the wave? Air to the breeze? How does thought describe Awareness to thought with more thought?

You know the answer. It cannot be done. At best, words point us in the direction of “seeing” Awareness (another completely inadequate description considering it is Awareness itself which does the seeing). It might be better to say these pointers help us intuit Awareness, our real identity.

Another question that might help point us in the right direction is this: Can you think Awareness?

If you can “think” It, it is not It. Instead, if you ask the question, it can point out that which cannot be thought, seen, felt, smelled, heard, tasted, broken, burnt, injured, or smeared – the Big Nothing. Funny enough, Nothing turns out to be Everything.